


never say it out loud

by taeyang (orphan_account)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Confessions, Firsts, M/M, Pining, changki rise, enjoy my shitty writing, mostly unbeta'd!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8353873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/taeyang
Summary: “You came at the worst timing.” One of them, Hoseok, says.Changkyun nods.“We just lost Minkyun, so it’s sort of hard to take you in,” Kihyun says.Changkyun nods again. “That’s okay.”It’s really...not. It’s not okay.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd sorry if there's errors !!

Changkyun stared.

 

The group of boys in front of him held cold and silent stares back, the only sound that filled the room being the sound of plates clacking against one another in the kitchen behind them. Changkyun took a heavy breath, eyes darting around the room to possibly make eye contact with any of the other nine trainees. His heart rate picked up as one of the trainees successfully made eye contact -- Kihyun. He’d seen all the episodes of the survival show before it had aired, and from that he knew all the names of the others competing for the same goal; to debut.

 

He felt such a strong attraction to Kihyun while he was watching, though, the boy’s voice was one like honey and sugar, one that could entice anyone that heard it. His performance of Jonghyun’s _ Y Si Fuera Ella  _ was so touching and beautiful and emotional and Changkyun entirely fell in love with the boy.

 

So seeing him in the flesh kind of made Changkyun wriggle under his own skin. He soon felt his hair sticking to his forehead, realizing that his anxiety was slowly making its way outward and making him sweat more than usual. He sighed.

 

“You came at the worst timing.” One of them, Hoseok, says.

 

Changkyun nods.

 

“We just lost Minkyun, so it’s sort of hard to take you in,” Kihyun says.

 

Changkyun nods again. “That’s okay.”

 

It’s really...not. It’s not okay.

 


	2. one

Kihyun stared.

He stared into the darkness of the empty stage ahead of him, arms kept at his front, crossed and gripping the microphone in his hand tightly. He didn’t say anything as names were slowly called out, announcing that the trainees called would be in their company’s brand new boy group. He held his breath. He couldn’t think to breathe at all, anyway; his thoughts were going at miles a minute, wondering if he’d be called.

Jooheon’s name was called. He thanked the emcee and the judges and quickly made his way up to the podium. Right after, Hyunwoo’s was called as well. Kihyun took no surprise in it.

As he saw Hyunwoo walk up to the podium and make a stance, the emcee continued, “The next trainee to debut is…”

Kihyun held his breath. He continued staring into the emptiness.

“Kihyun.”

He pulled his head down to his hands, and quickly walked up to the squares that indicated the seven that would form the new group. He sighed to himself, mumbling so quickly and quietly. He honestly couldn’t help but feel relieved that he’d made it. He could barely believe it. He was going to debut.

The emcee continued to announce the new members; Hoseok was listed next. For that, Kihyun was grateful, as he’d done plenty of performances throughout the show with Hoseok. He couldn’t imagine the team existing without him at this point.

Hyungwon was next. He kept his head down, but quietly sighed in relief. He was grateful that Hyungwon had made it, despite not being on his team at all.

“The next trainee to debut is…”

Everyone was holding their breath; Gunhee, Seokwon, Changkyun, and Minhyuk were the only ones left. Kihyun could only imagine what they all were thinking. There was a 25% chance they would make it. The odds were so low yet so high; low enough, though, that they’d probably consider themselves done for, that they’d probably not debut.

“I.M.”

Kihyun clenched his eyes shut. It should have been Gunhee. It should’ve been. Gunhee and Jooheon were two that couldn’t be separated, and Gunhee had worked so hard to get through. He deserved this more than Changkyun did. Changkyun had ripped off of everyone’s hard work and only joined them in the final two missions. Kihyun felt cheated, he felt so, so angry, but he kept it as concealed as he could. He couldn’t show any anger. If he so much as did, he’d be called out for it. He had to keep calm.

There would be only two rappers in the group, he soon found out, as the final trainee, Minhyuk, was selected. Kihyun tried his best to keep himself from becoming emotional externally, but as he began to speak, he couldn’t help the tears from falling. He’d have to go about this without Seokwon or Gunhee. He felt like he’d failed them. They both deserved to debut. Yoonho deserved to debut. Kwangji deserved to debut. Minkyun and Yoosu deserved to debut. All of the trainees that had been eliminated up until this point, where they announced the final group roster, deserved this spot more than Kihyun felt he himself did. More than he felt Changkyun did.

He hated himself for thinking that. Changkyun was like he was; only wanting to debut, wanting a better and happier life, wanting to achieve his dream.

Tears soon began to fall, and Kihyun really couldn’t help it.

“Look around.” one of the judges said, “This is your team. You are a team now. You will have much worse future struggles, but you will conquer them. You have each other from now on.”

Kihyun looks to each of them. A sad smile comes over his face, tear tracks still staining his cheeks.

This was his _team._ And he’d have to trust them with everything.

Kihyun couldn’t help but let more tears fall.

 

\--

 

The preparation for debut was hectic. Changkyun had to finish breaking the ice with a lot of the members, and it was really hard. He struggled a lot, and he felt like he was lacking. Changkyun had already explained to the older members that he wasn’t the greatest dancer, or the quickest, for that matter, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was slowing everyone else down during practice. He’d get offsetting stares from Minhyuk and Hyungwon, and he’d end up feeling like a lesser. He absolutely didn’t want this, if this is what team meant, if this is what debut meant.

He sat himself down along one of the practice room’s mirrors, reaching for a water bottle laying down on the hardwood floor. Shoes continued squeaking as Hyungwon helped Kihyun and Minhyuk run through the choreography to their debut song one more time, perfecting the main chorus as best as they could.

The countdown to debut was only 7 days. A week until they could release their voices out as public idols, to call themselves artists. It was exciting, very much so, but a very uneasy feeling. He’d be offering himself as almost an object for consumption, and his stomach couldn’t help but twist. He really didn’t like the thought of it. But Changkyun already knew that people did know his name, that people did support him in the past and will support him in the future. That through this journey he’s going through, with this group of incredible guys, that they would accomplish whatever they strived to.

He unscrewed his water bottle cap and started to drink it slowly, eyeing at the members continuing the dance practice. It was almost one in the morning at this point, and the sleepless ungodly hours had them aching like no tomorrow, but this had a purpose, so they kept at it.

His eyes were soon on Kihyun, and only Kihyun. Ever since he’d first watched No Mercy, Changkyun’s fascination with the older boy hadn’t faltered at all. Though all contact between them had been awkward still, he couldn’t help but feel pleased whenever Kihyun concerned himself with Changkyun. His heart would skip a beat, he’d stutter on his words, and he’d pretend he wasn’t trying to make sure he didn’t act like a total idiot.

He did, however, say a lot of idiotic things. Some that made Kihyun laugh; others that made him roll his eyes, others that made him scoff. The scoffs were the worst. He could feel the judgement just from the small sound.

Before Changkyun could think again, Kihyun was at his side, reaching his hand over to grab the plastic bottle that Changkyun was now only holding rather than drinking. Kihyun downed a few gulps and threw his head back, panting heavily. Sweat coated his face and neck, letting his dark brown colored hair stick to his forehead and nape. Changkyun bit his lip as he stared at the older.

“Hyung, are you alright?” The younger asked. Kihyun turned his head a bit and laughed slightly.

“Are any of us, really?” He responded, bringing the bottle up to swig again.

“I guess not.” Changkyun said. He couldn’t think of anything else to say.

 

\--

 

Their first debut stage went well. Everyone was nervous, especially Kihyun. He was more than relieved his voice didn’t crack like he feared it would. He’d been using techniques that famous artists have been using for years to try and take better care of his voice, but all he’d found that it had done was make it worse. It was cracking more than he could even think a voice could, and just sounded absolutely abnormal, absolutely not _him._ It took Changkyun’s convincing for him to finally stop drinking hot honey tea and start eating spicier foods again. It had only been a week that he’d tried it, but it put himself and his voice on such a stressful ride that after the experience he vowed to never do it again.

Kihyun slowly started to notice he had a soft spot for Changkyun, and that it seemed to only be reserved for the younger. He thought it came with Changkyun being the group’s maknae, at first, but with that logic, if Jooheon were the maknae instead, he’d treat him the same way. When thinking about that, Kihyun realized he absolutely would not. Jooheon may have a thing for acting cute offstage and being a monster on, but he would never treat him in the way he (thinks he) treats Changkyun.

He looked for Changkyun once they reached their dressing room, and when he found him, he immediately patted him on the back and told him he did a great job. Kihyun smiled at the younger, and Changkyun only nodded slightly. “You did really well too, hyung. I’m glad your voice didn’t do anything too weird.”

Kihyun smiled, “I’m glad too, thanks for getting me to stop that.”

“Of course,” Changkyun said. He didn’t make eye contact. Kihyun felt a little off.

“Is everything okay, Changkyunie?” Kihyun nudged him. Changkyun squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and quickly returned to look at the older with bright eyes.

“Just fine. Don’t worry about me, hyung, I’m okay.” He smiled.

Kihyun didn’t believe him.

 

\--

 

The seven of them sat in their dorm’s living room. It’s not even a month since their debut, and they already had a scandal on their hands.

A news site in America that reported news on Korean idols found information about Hoseok’s past; days where he was an ulzzang, and with that, claimed he was drinking and smoking from a young age. The group couldn’t ignore this, it could ruin the reputation of Hoseok himself and the group as a whole.

Changkyun only sat off to the side, with Kihyun, as the other members talked through it.

“Okay, but, listen, Hoseok. You need to tell us everything.”

“It’s fine, Hyunwoo, trust me, it’s fine.”

“Seriously hyung, please tell us. We’re a team, we’re supposed to be here for each other--” Minhyuk said, and Hoseok threw his head down in defeat. Changkyun could only look toward Hoseok at that time. Their whole focus had to be on him right now. He was the one going through the most trouble at the moment, so he had to be comforted and paid attention to.

“When I was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, maybe, I was an ulzzang, as you all have seen, but I also dated someone. They were seriously great, I was very close with them. They were also an ulzzang,” Hoseok paused to take a deep breath, “and they were a girl.”

A couple members heaved in relief.

“But that’s not the thing. They’re transgender, they’re a guy now. I dated them while they were a girl and while they were a guy. And this is all public information, too. There’s photos of us together before and after his transition.”

Changkyun’s attention was already on Hoseok, but he felt as if he was more attentive now that he’d said that. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t the only one who felt like this in the group. He could talk to him. Changkyun could actually have someone to talk to now.

“We had to break up for me to join the company, though, and I had to stop being an ulzzang, obviously. It wasn’t hard at all, considering I wasn’t that popular, but he’s still an ulzzang. He’s more popular now.”

The room was silent. Changkyun only stared at his hyung, longing to have some kind of open conversation with him. He nearly does; he opened his mouth slightly before Hoseok continued, “So I guess I’ll take this as opportunity to come out? I’m bisexual, and that’s all that matters with that issue. You’ve known me throughout this entire time, I’ll still be the same.” Hoseok was looking down at the dorm floor. Changkyun was too.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hyungwon pat Hoseok’s thigh supportively. Kihyun nodded next to him.

The youngest gulped and let out a quiet, shuttered breath, and gripped his hand into a fist at his sides. He closed his eyes. _He’s not alone._

 

\--

 

Kihyun heard the bunk above him move. He really shouldn’t have still been awake, but he was. He rolled his eyes, though, at the younger who shared the upper bunk. 

“Hyung,” Kihyun heard, and popped his head out from the bottom bunk to look up. Changkyun met his gaze. “Hyung, will you come up here, please? I had a nightmare.”

A smile crossed Kihyun’s face, and he mumbled, “You really are still a baby, aren’t you?” getting out of his bunk and climbing up to Changkyun’s.

Changkyun positioned him comfortably on Kihyun, and it was surprisingly comfortable for Kihyun as well. He didn’t expect it, but it definitely was.

Honestly, Kihyun could get used to it.

He’d never say it out loud, though.

 

\--

 

Changkyun woke up, tangled with Kihyun.

He immediately pulled his limbs from the older’s grasp and climbed out of his bunk.

His heart was beating much faster than he would have liked.

 

\--

 

It was 2:43 A.M. on September 2nd, and RUSH promotions were coming up quicker than any of them had planned. Kihyun was really stressed out, he couldn’t get the choreo right and the official comeback date was only 4 days away. He really couldn’t help but feel that he was stalling the group with his inability to perfect this stupid move in the chorus. 

He looked over among the rest of the group, watching them practice the choreo while he sat off to the side, gulping a water bottle and watching intently. He couldn’t help but feel like he was underperforming. This was their first comeback, and if any of them failed any aspect of this the group would be practically done for.

He heard the bridge to the chorus blast through the speakers once more and intently watched Hyunwoo and Hyungwon, as their skill for dancing is much higher than Kihyun’s. He took another sip from his water bottle before he got up once more to try and participate in the next chorus and hopefully, _hopefully_ get down that final move.

Kihyun saw himself in the mirror, and immediately hated how awkward he felt watching himself do this choreography. He tried the move in the chorus once more before he plopped himself back against the mirror for water. He couldn’t do it no matter how hard he tried.

“Hyung...are you doing okay?”

Changkyun’s voice was fresh and kind, and filled with fatigue. The younger seated himself next to Kihyun. He stared at his hands, asked Kihyun for some water, to which Kihyun obliged and gave the bottle to him, drank, and handed the bottle back.

Kihyun didn’t do anything for a moment. Changkyun threw his head back and yawned, obviously as exhausted as the rest of them were. He kept his head thrown back and his neck exposed, eyes closed. Kihyun had to force himself to not think about...that.

Kihyun could never admit it, but the kid was completely sweet. Changkyun was always there to help him when he needed it, he’d give him opinions on lyrics for private projects, he’d ask him how he was doing every day, and if he was okay and comfortable. Although they were a team, he never saw Changkyun helping anyone else to this extent; with the exception of Jooheon, but they were the rappers. They worked together on everything.

Thinking about Jooheon and Changkyun together set a kind of hot blood in Kihyun’s body. He felt a sort of jealousy, envy that he hadn’t felt before.

He hated that he was feeling this. He knew what it meant, too. He only didn’t want to admit it.

He’d never admit it.

“I’m fine, Changkyun.”

 

\--

 

RUSH promotions had been going on for a week at this point, and everything was going very well. Kihyun perfected the part of the choreo he was struggling with and Changkyun had worked to push down his feelings for a while. Everything was just perfect, their stages looked as good as they could get, and the entire group was feeling a huge sense of pride in their work.

They attended an outdoor fanmeeting to promote the mini-album and answer questions from their fans, many of which were pretty basic regarding how they feel about this comeback and how they think they’ll do for the next. At one point it almost got to a relationship question, and that was when Kihyun leaned over to whisper something into Changkyun’s ear.

Calmly, the older whispered a, “You doing okay, Kyun?”

Changkyun held his breath a moment; he thought it would have been something much more secretive, but it was only something that Kihyun noted. The younger nodded. “Just fine.”

“Good, you weren’t talking much.”

“Yeah, don’t have much to say.”

“That’s alright,” Kihyun said, and that was the end of it.

Changkyun smiled at the fans, but only had Kihyun on his mind.

 

\--

 

Kihyun sat alone in his bunk that night, accompanied with the snores of the other members that shared his dorm room.

He pulled out his phone and scrolled through it for a moment, looking for the song that he and Changkyun had recorded together while they had time off. It was a draft; a song that would be a present for their fan base, one that had had a lot of effort put in by the two of them.

As he found it, he tapped the play button, and set it on a low volume so it wouldn’t bother the other members in the bunks.

He listened to his own voice and Changkyun’s, the younger’s relaxing him far more than he expected it to, and closed his eyes to sleep.

He woke up feeling a bit nauseous. He couldn’t exactly figure out why, but he did have a hunch.

Kihyun sighed and threw his blanket over his head.

 

\--

 

Changkyun knew that soon he’d have to tell someone. At this point, even being around Kihyun was hard to bear. It’s not that he was difficult to deal with, it was that he couldn’t stand not doing anything while around the older. He felt such fondness when he was around Kihyun, so much so that he could comfortably call it love (even though he hated the term). He didn’t, though. He knew he couldn’t be.

 

\--

 

Kihyun started noticing Changkyun being more distant lately. 

He didn’t like it.

 

\--

 

Changkyun admitted to himself a week and a half later that he was in love with Kihyun. 

It felt good.

 

\--

 

Kihyun knew something was up with Changkyun, and he couldn’t exactly place what it was.

He didn’t want to reach out, though. That would make him uncomfortable. Maybe make him shy away.

Kihyun didn’t want to risk the trust Changkyun had in him.

He said nothing.

 

\--

 

“Hyung, can I talk to you about something?”

Changkyun stood awkwardly next to Hoseok. The older turned to him and nodded quickly, asking what it was.

“Privately?” 

“Oh, yeah, absolutely,” Hoseok said, following Changkyun as soon as he started moving. They met in an empty dressing room. Their stage for Hero would be taking place in less than thirty minutes, so Changkyun only had so much time before they’d inevitably be called back to prepare for their performance. “So what’cha want, kid?” Hoseok asked him curiously.

Changkyun didn’t know how to respond, he only knew that he wanted to talk to someone, Hoseok specifically, about this. 

“I…” Changkyun started, turning his eyes to the floor. Hoseok only looked more confused. “Hyung, I’m gay.”

Hoseok stared at Changkyun intently, searching for some more of an explanation. Changkyun looked up, tears glossing his eyes. He tilted his head to the side slightly and broke a sad smile at the corner of his lips, then looked back down to the floor. Hoseok then realized he should probably do something, so he took the boy in his arms and held him, tightly. He felt shaking and heard small sobs from Changkyun, and he could only think to keep holding him, to comfort him. Hoseok knew that he would have loved to have someone that would hold him when he first came out.

“Hey...it’s okay, kid. You know it’s okay.”

“Yo-you don’t get it, tho-ugh, hyung,” Changkyun stuttered. He wrapped his arms around Hoseok.

“What don’t I get, Changkyun?” Hoseok asked.

“I’m in l-love with,” Changkyun paused, a hiccup shaking his body as he took a sharp inhale, and continued, “I’m...in love with Kihyun hyu-ng.”

Hoseok kept holding Changkyun. He knew now why Changkyun’s attitude toward Kihyun changed when he was on and off stage. It gave him a sort of relief that he knew the cause of his odd behavior, but it couldn’t help but throw him for a loop. Hoseok was the first person besides Jooheon to give Changkyun the time of day when he first joined No Mercy. Changkyun trusted him so much, so he had to keep this a secret as long as the younger wanted.

“It’s okay, Changkyunie. It’s okay. Kihyun’s great. You’re great. I hope so, so much that everything goes well, okay, kid? I’ll always be here for you, you know that.” Hoseok told him.

Changkyun only nodded, sobs still choking in his throat. _He hoped so._

 

\--

 

The group sat again, together at their dorm, this time staring down an article from the same news site that revealed Hoseok’s life before being an idol just six months before. This one came for Kihyun’s past, and it made the November-born want to curl up and cry.

The article spoke of information that a single person he’d known in the past had revealed. They posted about his party attendance and drinking and smoking underage. It even accused him of bullying girls he went to school with.

Kihyun only stared in shock at the article, unable to speak. No one said anything. The silence was so deafening, so painful. He hated this. He wanted to run off and hide. Cry, even.

“I don’t know what to say, or do, Kihyun. What do you want to do?” Hyunwoo started. As leader, obviously, it was his role to try and have some closure.

“I don’t know,” Kihyun replied, quietly.

He could feel everyone’s eyes on him. He looked up and around; all were filled with a sort of pity. None were angry, thankfully. He would’ve actually cried if they were angry. But the pity was overwhelming, so he hid himself in his lap.

He felt a hand on his back. He knew he needed someone to comfort him, he knew it, but it really wasn’t the first thing on his mind. In that moment, though, the hand suddenly turned into a body that slithered next to him and held him close, tight. Kihyun muffled sobs into (as he soon found out,) Changkyun’s shoulder and constantly felt chills run down his spine. He let the cries overtake him, soon too far gone to be brought back to reality anytime soon. He held tightly to Changkyun, and the younger only held him tighter.

“I love you, hyung, I’ve got you. It’s okay. I love you,” Changkyun whispered, only loud enough for Kihyun to hear.

And Kihyun heard it, he did, but he couldn’t formulate any kind of response. The thought of that only made him cry harder. His world was falling apart. And Changkyun was holding him together.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is appreciated !! update will be done as soon as i can !!


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